I need a good laugh

Bit of an intro- I wrote this originally on April 6th, 2001. Funny- that date would only be significant to me a year later. Here goes:

Top 10 Greatest Innovations for Stupid People

10. As seen on a box of American Fare Butter (when opened): PACKAGE HAS BEEN OPENED.

9. Rubiks cubes.

8. Safety can openers that instead of producing small, manageable discs of aluminum with tolerably sharp edges, they take the entire lid off the can, ingeniously producing a dull disc of aluminum that still maintains a sharp edge within its fold. As for the can, it can now be used to cut small circles out of oak planks.

7. SPAM

6. "Wet Floor" signs standing next to the guy with the mop.

5. The New York State Board of Regents (we make the idiots, they make them doctors).

4. Perfectly clean emmisionless electric cars that refuel from elctricity produced from the combustion of fossil fuels.

3. Cell phones that make wireless notes "easy"- instead of 26 keys, you can now use 10 and construct words and phrases at the unheard rate of speed of 3 per minute!

2. Sport utility vehicles (including the Hummer)...

1. This is more of a phrase, but "Yes, that is my final answer."

Well, there you have it- an easy, simple, and up to date list of everything that started off with good intentionsbut somehow veered of the course of their original usefulness. Alot. As for runners-up, we have quite a few:

Reality TV shows
Lego shaped candy...
Candy flavored drugs
drug flavored candy?...
Packages of 10 hotdog bunns
the atomic bomb (and testing!)
the H-bomb
Coyote Ugly (another bomb)
Asbestos for insulation (especially blankets)
George W. Bush
Napster
Boy Bands
Pop bands (in general)
Kool-aid that is blue when dry but red when in water
Kool-aid that is red when dry but blue when in water
The Southern U.S. Border
Canadians
Al Sharpton
Hagover Helper...
Anything starring an educational cartoon character
filmstrips used for educational purposes narrated by people who don't ennunciate
O.S.S. for skipping classes...
"T-Bone" as a nickname
"T-" anything as a nickname
new use of the "n" word (Newfoundland)
the Y2K scare
the "locked box"
telethons starring Jerry Lewis
Pauly Shore.

Although many were submitted, we could only pick those that were (in our minds) the greatest hinderances to society. An updated list was submitted; however, the motion was defeated when George W. finally got the joke about the can opener.

Back to good ol' 2005, where I am no longer this magical plural entity. Some of this list was edited for poor grammar, and there are still horrendous spelling errors as well as misusage. It's funny- some of these things are dated- "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" has all but faded from the minds of the critical, and infomercials pushing "SafetyCan" are rare indeed, but it's interesting to see W, reality TV, SUVs, and Pauly Shore all maintained their shelf-life. Keep it up, fellas!

Consider part of this a very grand introduction for a segue- read back to the runner-ups about the candy. We've all been fed candy-flavored drugs since we could swallow. Who can honestly say they haven't been given a grape or cherry chewable children's aspirin, "bubble gum" flavored amoxycillin, or cough syrup in general? I can recall that being a point of contention in the 90's- kids were given these drugs, and began searching medicine cabinets for more of the good stuff and ended up developing dependancies on other drugs that only resembled candies. Now, I guess that trend has been inverted. A new company has began marketing a marijuana flavored candy. Imagine- pot pops, grass gummis, cannibis candies! This simply blows my mind- I came up with the idea by conveniently playing with my own words. At the time, I never really considered it a possibility. If it came out of my mind at 1 in the morning, it was obviously too ridiculous to ever be. I suppose I may have doubted my marketability, because someone developed the idea before I could make a buck. What's next, then? Crack candies? LSD lollies? Acid after-dinner mints? Mesculin Musketeers? Sex chocolate? Who knows... Anyhow, the company claims that the flavor in the candy is THC-free. That just takes the fun out of it. I am definitely not a stoner, but I am a drinker, so I can relate to the injustice. It's like nonalcoholic beer. It just sucks. Think of mocktails- they almost sound cool, but do absolutely nothing. Such evil in the world... I even saw Hemp body lotion at Walmart. Now, I can justify hemp for clothing, building materials, and rope, but body lotion? The hemp plant produces one of the strongest known natural fibers, so it is well suited for manufactured goods and for fabrication, but body lotion? I really think they (whoever they are) are really pushing the limits of acceptable stupidity.

I'm about done- maybe I'll think of a better rant later, when I don't need it.